I'm not really in the habit of complaining about my life with anyone. My job is to listen to other people about their problems in life and try to find a way for them to deal with them or change them. Since I am in the helping profession, I realize that it is a great stressor. It never stops.
The profession comes into my daily life as well. My friends and family all come to me either to rant or complain or ask for advice. My job is to listen to them, understand them, acknowledge their pain and try to help them find a way to deal with it. When I go to bed, it is only me I think about.
Today I feel like ranting but I'm not in the habit of doing that infront of anyone. So I just decided to do it here. I feel like a failure. Big huge failure. Maybe this is depression or the stress of a helper.
I feel like my brother took away my opportunity of making a choice in life as to what I wanted to do.
I feel like I did far too many sacrifices for my family and nothing got acknowledged.
I feel like I have the responsibilty to live up to the expectations of my family since none of my other siblings did.
I feel that to run away from all the pain inside me I've distracted myself so much that now that I realize what I really want to do, its too late for that.
I feel like my friends are not my friends but my patients who I should always be there for but shouldnt expect the same out of them or I will get dissapointed.
I feel like I have done nothing to make my parents proud of.
I've learnt that one member of the family is enough to poison the whole bunch.
I've learnt that ego can hurt a emotionally and physically.
I'm not suicidal. I dont want to die. I love life. I just wished it was different.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Voices
Sometimes you want to put the music in the car SO loud so that it can drain out the voices in your head, so that all the disturbing thoughts that come in to your head can be wiped away, so that you don't let your imagination go all crazy
Sunday, September 9, 2007
CONFUSION
Somebody called me Counfuzed - az in my Thinking, az in a Noun, az in Double Standardz. I found that offensive.
But now that I think about it, I think being confused iz not a bad thing at all. It leadz you to thinking. And I believe personally, that thoze who don't think are not humanz. Az humanz, what we do differently than animalz iz THINK. Animalz, are known to have only instictz and drivez. Humanz, have brainz. We can think logically, are aware of proz and conz of everything, and then come up to a conclusion. No other speciez in the world can do that.
So what iz confusion? In Psychiatry, it is a disturbed mental state. But I am thinking about a more basic type. The one which all of us go through. The one which iz lack of clearness, order or calmness.
Confusion comez with many vices, which iz why many of us dont like to be in that state for a very long time. Rarely, have people seen the good side of being confused, so I thought about writing that down today.
Confusion challengez our beliefz.
There are traditionz and beliefz which we may have been carrying on in familiez or countriez for generationz. Which could have no meaning for uz, which could be giving out the wrong message, or which might be downright offensive. When someone standz up against it - there are usually three kind of reactionz to it. (Not the conventional two: for and against) The people who are against a different thinking, would be the loudest. This group of people would be against that person just for having the gutz to say anything against it. They would call him/her with namez and threaten to kill that person. They would'nt look into the reasonz s/he might have raised his voice against! Nope! S/He doesnt deserve that.
The second group would be the one who would be FOR it. They might be a small daring group, but they are present nevertheless. This could be the start of a revolution maybe? Some of them might just be rebellious leaderz or some might be dumb followerz.
The third group which no one really notices, are the onez who are confused about the whole situation. They might realize it as a futile tradition but a strong one nevertheless. They understand why the first group feelz so strongly against the rebellious person but they also know that the rebellious person aint so wrong either. S/he bringz up good pointz.
Sonner or later this group haz to choose one or the other, using their brainz. But this confusion state is the best thing they could do for themselvez because that iz what makez them a strong believer in whatever they would choose later on.
Confusion makes us think.
Confusion helps us exercise our mental thinking capabilitiez. So obviously, if you are in a confused state it meanz, you have two roughly equal and opposite choices to make.
If you are confused about it, its a good thing. THINK it over.
Confusion makes uz realize what iz more important to us.
Sometimez, when a confusion point comez, we don't know which path to take. But it also makez us realize how we have been thinking for so long. It makez us think WHY we are confused. Why we SHOULD be confused.
Confusion revealz the real us.
In the end the choices we decide to make mouldz us into who we are and how much other people have influence on us. In short, it bringz out the real us. It shows people what we chose with a level head. And that bringz out our personality too.
Enjoy the state of CONFUSION. Only intellectual people are in it. ;)
But now that I think about it, I think being confused iz not a bad thing at all. It leadz you to thinking. And I believe personally, that thoze who don't think are not humanz. Az humanz, what we do differently than animalz iz THINK. Animalz, are known to have only instictz and drivez. Humanz, have brainz. We can think logically, are aware of proz and conz of everything, and then come up to a conclusion. No other speciez in the world can do that.
So what iz confusion? In Psychiatry, it is a disturbed mental state. But I am thinking about a more basic type. The one which all of us go through. The one which iz lack of clearness, order or calmness.
Confusion comez with many vices, which iz why many of us dont like to be in that state for a very long time. Rarely, have people seen the good side of being confused, so I thought about writing that down today.
Confusion challengez our beliefz.
There are traditionz and beliefz which we may have been carrying on in familiez or countriez for generationz. Which could have no meaning for uz, which could be giving out the wrong message, or which might be downright offensive. When someone standz up against it - there are usually three kind of reactionz to it. (Not the conventional two: for and against) The people who are against a different thinking, would be the loudest. This group of people would be against that person just for having the gutz to say anything against it. They would call him/her with namez and threaten to kill that person. They would'nt look into the reasonz s/he might have raised his voice against! Nope! S/He doesnt deserve that.
The second group would be the one who would be FOR it. They might be a small daring group, but they are present nevertheless. This could be the start of a revolution maybe? Some of them might just be rebellious leaderz or some might be dumb followerz.
The third group which no one really notices, are the onez who are confused about the whole situation. They might realize it as a futile tradition but a strong one nevertheless. They understand why the first group feelz so strongly against the rebellious person but they also know that the rebellious person aint so wrong either. S/he bringz up good pointz.
Sonner or later this group haz to choose one or the other, using their brainz. But this confusion state is the best thing they could do for themselvez because that iz what makez them a strong believer in whatever they would choose later on.
Confusion makes us think.
Confusion helps us exercise our mental thinking capabilitiez. So obviously, if you are in a confused state it meanz, you have two roughly equal and opposite choices to make.
If you are confused about it, its a good thing. THINK it over.
Confusion makes uz realize what iz more important to us.
Sometimez, when a confusion point comez, we don't know which path to take. But it also makez us realize how we have been thinking for so long. It makez us think WHY we are confused. Why we SHOULD be confused.
Confusion makes us chooze.
The state of confusion iz the one to be enjoyed. Share your dilemma with otherz and help yourself come to a conclusion in which you are comfortable with. It makez you choose one thing over the other and maybe that would be the first time in your life where your decision would effect the rest of your life and the people around you.
Confusion revealz the real us.
In the end the choices we decide to make mouldz us into who we are and how much other people have influence on us. In short, it bringz out the real us. It shows people what we chose with a level head. And that bringz out our personality too.
Enjoy the state of CONFUSION. Only intellectual people are in it. ;)
Monday, September 3, 2007
East vs. West - Part II
I absolutely LOVE the way how family is the top most priority in Eastern families.
No matter WHAT happens, the family is sacred and stays together and united. One person's struggle is everyone's struggle, one person's success is everyone's success.
I rarely see this type of strong gravitation within family in the western culture.
No matter WHAT happens, the family is sacred and stays together and united. One person's struggle is everyone's struggle, one person's success is everyone's success.
I rarely see this type of strong gravitation within family in the western culture.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Sweet Home Alabama: Wingz and Rootz
I waz watching Sweet Home Alabama for the second time, a while back. I guess becoz I waz watching it the second time I noticed thingz in it which I hadn't the first time. Or it could be the amount of sensitivity in me during thoze dayz was different. In any case, something really struck me in that movie.
It waz a scene where Reese Witherspoon (Melanie) after reaching her hometown in Alabama, attendz a party by her friendz. Everyone iz buzy havein booze when she walkz off to a cemetary and rememberz her dog which iz buried there. She goez in and sitz beside hiz grave and apologizes to her favourite pet for not being there when he would've needed her. Behind her comez Josh Lucas (Jake) who iz the husband she wantz divorce from. They share some momentz together remembering the pet they had together. Their comfortable closeness bringz them back to reality (that they are not that close anymore) and Jake acceptz that times have changed and that Mel haz made something out of herself in New York City. And with that he sayz the most meanigful and deep wordz:
YOU CANT HAVE ROOTS AND WINGS AT THE SAME TIME
Maybe I am in the time of my life where thiz ringz very true for me. Or maybe it REALLY iz true for each one of us? Can we really not have wingz and rootz at the same time?
When you have wingz, you fly. You can see the world and the world can see you. You could be famous and popular and rich and powerful but NOT grounded. One has to do many things to start "flying" including changing one self into something you might not be. That act takes away all the rootz you ever had.
When you have rootz. You are stable with both feet on the ground. People can cut you short or let you grow or YOU can make them cut you short or help you grow. But no matter what happenz, either way, you are on safe groundz with your rootz firmly in place, and you never forget that. They help you to identify you and remind you your purpose.
The famouz qoute of the movie iz:
Sometimes What You're Looking For Is Right Where You Left It.
It waz a scene where Reese Witherspoon (Melanie) after reaching her hometown in Alabama, attendz a party by her friendz. Everyone iz buzy havein booze when she walkz off to a cemetary and rememberz her dog which iz buried there. She goez in and sitz beside hiz grave and apologizes to her favourite pet for not being there when he would've needed her. Behind her comez Josh Lucas (Jake) who iz the husband she wantz divorce from. They share some momentz together remembering the pet they had together. Their comfortable closeness bringz them back to reality (that they are not that close anymore) and Jake acceptz that times have changed and that Mel haz made something out of herself in New York City. And with that he sayz the most meanigful and deep wordz:
YOU CANT HAVE ROOTS AND WINGS AT THE SAME TIME
Maybe I am in the time of my life where thiz ringz very true for me. Or maybe it REALLY iz true for each one of us? Can we really not have wingz and rootz at the same time?
When you have wingz, you fly. You can see the world and the world can see you. You could be famous and popular and rich and powerful but NOT grounded. One has to do many things to start "flying" including changing one self into something you might not be. That act takes away all the rootz you ever had.
When you have rootz. You are stable with both feet on the ground. People can cut you short or let you grow or YOU can make them cut you short or help you grow. But no matter what happenz, either way, you are on safe groundz with your rootz firmly in place, and you never forget that. They help you to identify you and remind you your purpose.
The famouz qoute of the movie iz:
Sometimes What You're Looking For Is Right Where You Left It.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Stress in Kids
Sometimes we, az adultz, want to be children again becoz our life was very stress-free az kidz (or so az we remember it). We remember studying, playing, eating and sleeping az the only thingz we remember. Ofcourse thoze with maybe a few bad momentz az well. Most of us who have had an average childhood remember it to be very happy. But I would argue with people who believe thiz.
Life az a kid iz not stress-free. Az a kid, our world waz very small, we knew very little thingz. But whatever we did know waz at stake in the face of any problem. Imagine a kid who lovez superman. He adorez the fact that Superman can fly and SAVE people in trouble. He iz powerful and strong and can lift anything heavy and can destroy anything big. The kid wantz to be like him and dreamz to be like him when he growz up. He cannot wait to buy hiz own toy of superman and own "piece of superman." Now, he getz to buy it, and iz ecstatic. He personally knowz superman now. He iz hiz buddy. He can make him lift any weight he wantz and break anything he wantz.
Life az a kid iz not stress-free. Az a kid, our world waz very small, we knew very little thingz. But whatever we did know waz at stake in the face of any problem. Imagine a kid who lovez superman. He adorez the fact that Superman can fly and SAVE people in trouble. He iz powerful and strong and can lift anything heavy and can destroy anything big. The kid wantz to be like him and dreamz to be like him when he growz up. He cannot wait to buy hiz own toy of superman and own "piece of superman." Now, he getz to buy it, and iz ecstatic. He personally knowz superman now. He iz hiz buddy. He can make him lift any weight he wantz and break anything he wantz.
One day he findz hiz own superman broken by hiz sibling. His superman'z gone. His world of superman az he knew it is finished. Who will save people now? Who will protect him from bulliez? He criez and criez and goez to sleep. Did he now face stress in hiz own little world? Would he not be disturbed from it? Will he trust hiz sibling with anything of hiz own again? Thiz iz only one incident. There are incidents like theze which happen to children everyday more than once a day. Each and everything iz a new experience for them. It iz incidentz like these which make us what we are today.
If anything, kidz are the most vulnerable to take stress. They are the onez who will take stress easily and becoz they are kidz with very little experience, they often dont even know how to react to these stressorz. No training is provided to them. Hence, it is through everyday actionz that they express their stress. Through their behaviour, through their drawings, through their play, etc. They learn from a very early age how to deal with people for the rest of their livez!
We often take children's behaviour lightly, but thiz iz the time when they need most supervision in their life. Thiz iz the reason I am strongly against motherz working (for pleasure) after their kid iz born. (Its another story if there iz no income otherwise).
My message to them: Itz a new life form which iz a part of you. Study your kid, love him/her, teach him/her, mould him/her, and give them the toolz they need for the rest of their life. No one can do it az perfectly az a mother. Every woman can have a child, very few are motherz.
If anything, kidz are the most vulnerable to take stress. They are the onez who will take stress easily and becoz they are kidz with very little experience, they often dont even know how to react to these stressorz. No training is provided to them. Hence, it is through everyday actionz that they express their stress. Through their behaviour, through their drawings, through their play, etc. They learn from a very early age how to deal with people for the rest of their livez!
We often take children's behaviour lightly, but thiz iz the time when they need most supervision in their life. Thiz iz the reason I am strongly against motherz working (for pleasure) after their kid iz born. (Its another story if there iz no income otherwise).
My message to them: Itz a new life form which iz a part of you. Study your kid, love him/her, teach him/her, mould him/her, and give them the toolz they need for the rest of their life. No one can do it az perfectly az a mother. Every woman can have a child, very few are motherz.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
East vs. West - Part I
Thingz I dont like about MY eastern indo-pak culture:
- Love marriagez are still looked upon az a bad thing
There would be so much opposition in the family if the guy comes home and sayz that he likez a certain girl and would like to marry her. The mother would usually go into opposition at once without knowing anything. "How Dare He Choose A Girl Himself!"
- Fair colour girl iz still superior to a rather dark complexion girl
The parentz of a dark complexion girl would be so worried in fear that no one would take their girl coz she'z dark. A dark daughter-in-law would also be taunted on the colour of her skin if she doez anything to upset anyone.
- Women have a lot of time on their handz
Which is why they gossip so much.
- Love marriagez are still looked upon az a bad thing
There would be so much opposition in the family if the guy comes home and sayz that he likez a certain girl and would like to marry her. The mother would usually go into opposition at once without knowing anything. "How Dare He Choose A Girl Himself!"
- Fair colour girl iz still superior to a rather dark complexion girl
The parentz of a dark complexion girl would be so worried in fear that no one would take their girl coz she'z dark. A dark daughter-in-law would also be taunted on the colour of her skin if she doez anything to upset anyone.
- Women have a lot of time on their handz
Which is why they gossip so much.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Conversations With God
So I saw thiz movie today called "Conversations With God". It was quite moving and based on a true story.
It made me realize what I had forgotten earlier, and what probably all of us have forgotten while living in our contemporary capitalistic western society.
It made me realize that I'm going after all the wrong thingz. Getting stressed about work, finding a better paying job, taking care of the house, family business, income taxez, materialistic pleasurez like clothez and shoez and jewellery. We are all running towardz the wrong thingz. True, theze are the thingz we have to face to live in a society, but we have made them the very purpoze of our life; to get more clothez, to get more money, to get the coolest cell phone, to get a hip car. We are all still sleeping. Wake up people, and look at the big picture.
When you are on your death bed, are you not gonna be sorry that all your life you have been running, but didnt know after what? Do we not sometimez feel like, there iz a purpose for this life, but we havent figured it out yet? There is a saying by someone, "Live Big, Not Long."
In thiz movie the character Neale goez through very difficult life situationz. And he feelz very angry at God for doing all that to him. He getz frustrated and askz God, what does it take to make life work? Very soon, he realizes all hiz answerz. His "conversationz" with God (whether it happened or not) changed him az a person. It gave him a new insight into life. He goez on to share those feelingz with everyone around him and that in turn changed their livez too.
He tellz us that each and everyone of us haz conversationz with God. Gods communicatez with us through our feelingz. We all have those momentz when we feel as if that song on the radio iz directly speaking to us, when we are just thinking about someone and they show up, when we want something impossible to happen and it happens, when we make a decision which might seem to be bad but you do it becoz you feel itz right and looking back it ends up to be the best decision you ever made. It is timez like these when you are having a conversation with God. God speakz to all of us, he tellz us whatz right and whatz wrong, through these very feelingz. If we want peace in our life, stop running after thingz that are not bringing you any happiness and look within. You might find God very close to you.
Our situation with us right now remindz me of Abraham Maslow'z theory of Heirarchy of Needs. We have to get past the physical and social barrierz to actually reach the stage of SELF ACTUALIZATON. Neale in this movie had reached that point of self-actualization, bcoz everything else didnt seem to give him any answerz so he started thinking beyond that.
A very impressive scene near the end just movez everyone where Neale is asked if there waz one thing God would want to tell us, and if you could summarize all your conversationz in one paragraph what would you say? Neale answers, "I can say that in five words: You got me all wrong"
I believe that today it iz not the presence of God and religion which iz dividing us all. It iz the ABSENCE of it which iz playing a havoc in our society.
It made me realize what I had forgotten earlier, and what probably all of us have forgotten while living in our contemporary capitalistic western society.
It made me realize that I'm going after all the wrong thingz. Getting stressed about work, finding a better paying job, taking care of the house, family business, income taxez, materialistic pleasurez like clothez and shoez and jewellery. We are all running towardz the wrong thingz. True, theze are the thingz we have to face to live in a society, but we have made them the very purpoze of our life; to get more clothez, to get more money, to get the coolest cell phone, to get a hip car. We are all still sleeping. Wake up people, and look at the big picture.
When you are on your death bed, are you not gonna be sorry that all your life you have been running, but didnt know after what? Do we not sometimez feel like, there iz a purpose for this life, but we havent figured it out yet? There is a saying by someone, "Live Big, Not Long."
In thiz movie the character Neale goez through very difficult life situationz. And he feelz very angry at God for doing all that to him. He getz frustrated and askz God, what does it take to make life work? Very soon, he realizes all hiz answerz. His "conversationz" with God (whether it happened or not) changed him az a person. It gave him a new insight into life. He goez on to share those feelingz with everyone around him and that in turn changed their livez too.
He tellz us that each and everyone of us haz conversationz with God. Gods communicatez with us through our feelingz. We all have those momentz when we feel as if that song on the radio iz directly speaking to us, when we are just thinking about someone and they show up, when we want something impossible to happen and it happens, when we make a decision which might seem to be bad but you do it becoz you feel itz right and looking back it ends up to be the best decision you ever made. It is timez like these when you are having a conversation with God. God speakz to all of us, he tellz us whatz right and whatz wrong, through these very feelingz. If we want peace in our life, stop running after thingz that are not bringing you any happiness and look within. You might find God very close to you.
Our situation with us right now remindz me of Abraham Maslow'z theory of Heirarchy of Needs. We have to get past the physical and social barrierz to actually reach the stage of SELF ACTUALIZATON. Neale in this movie had reached that point of self-actualization, bcoz everything else didnt seem to give him any answerz so he started thinking beyond that.
A very impressive scene near the end just movez everyone where Neale is asked if there waz one thing God would want to tell us, and if you could summarize all your conversationz in one paragraph what would you say? Neale answers, "I can say that in five words: You got me all wrong"
I believe that today it iz not the presence of God and religion which iz dividing us all. It iz the ABSENCE of it which iz playing a havoc in our society.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Parents
I've realized that no matter how much you think you are smart, or are wise, or intelligent. Your parentz will alwayz be one step ahead of you. When parentz say, "You are my child, I know you inside out", we, kidz, brush it off easily most of the timez. But they really mean it. They really know our nature. They know our limitationz and they know our wayz more than us.
Lesson I've learned today: Don't act too smart infront of your parentz, or don't think you know more than them coz in the end, no matter what happenz, they are still double your age with double ur experience.
Lesson I've learned today: Don't act too smart infront of your parentz, or don't think you know more than them coz in the end, no matter what happenz, they are still double your age with double ur experience.
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