Rant

I'm not really in the habit of complaining about my life with anyone. My job is to listen to other people about their problems in life and try to find a way for them to deal with them or change them. Since I am in the helping profession, I realize that it is a great stressor. It never stops.

The profession comes into my daily life as well. My friends and family all come to me either to rant or complain or ask for advice. My job is to listen to them, understand them, acknowledge their pain and try to help them find a way to deal with it. When I go to bed, it is only me I think about.

Today I feel like ranting but I'm not in the habit of doing that infront of anyone. So I just decided to do it here. I feel like a failure. Big huge failure. Maybe this is depression or the stress of a helper.

I feel like my brother took away my opportunity of making a choice in life as to what I wanted to do.
I feel like I did far too many sacrifices for my family and nothing got acknowledged.
I feel like I have the responsibilty to live up to the expectations of my family since none of my other siblings did.
I feel that to run away from all the pain inside me I've distracted myself so much that now that I realize what I really want to do, its too late for that.
I feel like my friends are not my friends but my patients who I should always be there for but shouldnt expect the same out of them or I will get dissapointed.
I feel like I have done nothing to make my parents proud of.

I've learnt that one member of the family is enough to poison the whole bunch.
I've learnt that ego can hurt a emotionally and physically.

I'm not suicidal. I dont want to die. I love life. I just wished it was different.