Happiness?

Sometimes in life there do come people whom you never wanna let go of. But fate usually has other plans for you. You have to let go of people who you don't wanna let go of and you have to accept people who you may not really want in your life. Going through any one of these is a humbling experience. This is where adaptibility comes in maybe.

It might not be a happy experiewnce, in fact, it is definitely not. But then you may find your own happiness once you make peace with yourself and your situation. Or maybe you might clone the same happiness in your new life. What is happiness really?

Is happiness the fulfillment of all your needs? Or is it making peace with yourself, your life and your God? Is it finding a perfect partner? Or is it getting the one you loved? Does happiness come from within or is it induced from material things?

Would you feel happy if your life long dream of having a big house by the lake is fulfilled? Would you feel happy if you got a perfect wife who loves you and is dedicated towards you? Or would you be happy if you were denied every material possession in exchange for a life long struggle with your love?

It is very complicated and subjective. The more you live life the more mysterious it becomes. At some points in life you understand it and at other points you feel you will never be able to understand it.

I think that maybe happiness lies in satisfaction. Being satisfied with your situation as it is, and being thankful for it. Not seeking other ways to get out of it. It maybe making the best of what you have. Maybe life is accepting whole heartedly what life throws your way. I'm not there yet, but I do hope that some day I would be.

Dasht-e-Hijraa.n Mein Na Saaya Na Sada

Dasht-e-hijraa.n mein na saaya na sada teray baad
Kitnay tanha hain teray aabla-pa teray baad

Koi peghaam na dildaar-e-nava teray baad
Khaak uraati hui guzri hai saba teray baad

Lab pe ik harf-e-talab tha na raha teray baad
Dil mein taaseer ki khahish na dua teray baad

Aks-o-aaina mein ab rabt ho kiya teray baad
Hum to phirtay hain khud apnay se khafa teray baad

Dhoop aariz ki na zulfon ki ghata teray baad
Hijr ki rut hai keh habs ki fiza teray baad

Liye phirti hai sar-e-koo-e-jafa teray baad
Parcham-e-tar garebaa.n ko hava teray baad

Perahan apna na salamat na qaba teray baad
Bus vahi hum hain vahi sehra ki rida teray baad

Nikhat-o-ney hai na dast-e-qaza teray baad
Shaakh-e-jaa.n per koi ghuncha na khila teray baad

Dil na mehtaab se ujla na jala teray baad
Aik jugnu tha chup chaap bujha teray baad

Dard seenay mein hua nauha-sara teray baad
Dil ki dharkan hai ke maatam ki sada teray baad

Kaun se rango.n ke bhanvar kesi hina teray baad
Apna khoon meri hatheli pe saja teray baad

Tujh se bichra to murjha ke hava-burd hua
Kaun deta mujhay khilnay ki dua teray baad

Aik hum hain ke be barg-o-nava teray baad
Varna aabaad hai sab khalq-e-Khuda teray baad

Aik qayaamat ki kharaashain meray chehray pe sajeen
Aik mehshar meray andar se utha teray baad

Aye falak-e-naaz meri khaak nishaani teri
Main ne matti pe tera naam likha teray baad

Tu ke simta to rag-e-jaa.n ki hadon mein simta
Main ke bikhra to sameta na gaya teray baad

Ye alag baat hai ke afshaa.n na hua tu varna
Main ne kitna tujhay mehsoos kiya teray baad

Milnay vaalay kayee mafhoom pehen ker aaye
Koi chehra bhi na aankhon ne parha teray baad

Bujhay jaatay hain khad-o-khaal manaazir afaq
Phelta jaata hai khaahish ka khala teray baad

Meri dukhti hui aankhon se gavaahi lena
Main ne socha tujhay apnay se siva teray baad

Seh liya dil ne teray baad malaamat ka azaab
Varna chubhti hai rag-e-jaa.n mein hava teray baad

Jaan-e-Mohsin mera haasil yehi mubham satrain
Sher kehnay ka hunar bhool gaya teray baad

~Mohsin Naqvi

Bedard

Hum vo bedard hain

Khaab ganva kar bhi jinhain neend aa jaati hai
Soch soch kar bhi jin ke zehnon ko kuch nahin hota
Toot phoot kar bhi jin ke dil dharakna yaad rakhtay hain

Hum vo bedard hain

Keh jin ke aansu aankhon ka rasta bhool jaatay hain
Toot kar ronay ki koshish main jo baat be-baat muskuraatay hain
Shaam se pehlay marr jaanay ki khaahish main jo

Jeetay hain aur....Jeetay he chalay jaatay hain

Dream? or Life?

There's a famous qoute by John Lennon:

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"



He comes in my dreams.
He walks towards me. He comes as a person who I can fall in love with. He does the perfect things, and says the perfect words. He comes closer and closer and gets bigger and bigger. He comes so close finally, that I can touch him. He holds my hands, sings to me. He says I look gorgeous with my hair loose in the wind. His fingers run through it.

He doesnt stop approaching towards me. He becomes big and so close that I cant see anyone around me but him. He keeps on advancing, upto a point where he starts making me uncomfortable. I complain, but he just smiles and says, he's doing that because he loves me so much. I take in the pain. His advancement doesnt stop. He hurts me now, and I'm almost bending on my knees trying to take in the pain. I start fallin down. And gradually his face changes.

His smile becomes an evil one, his eyes become blood red, his lips become wrinkly, and he starts smelling rotten. He turns into a monster. His voice changes and he screams to me that he doesnt love me. He rips open my chest, takes my heart out and squeezes all the life out of it. I fall down and he stomps on me and throws my heart down on the ground. I turn around to see him go with someone else who witnesses all this.

Suddenly I see my people around me. I look at my heart, and I dont want it any more. I want it to stop beating, so that I can die, but it doesnt. I have to live on. I have to live on for people who are around me and show them that I'm the same person I was. But how can I be the same person now? How can I come out of this hole and still be the same me? I cant. He's crippled me in ways which cant be ammended. I see him dissappear in the horizon.

If I scream for help now, people will know what he did, and will see me in this condition. I dont want that. I will put on a mask for them. The best one I have. To show them I'm the same person. It will only be me, who knows that I'm a changed person. Life for them will go on the way it was supposed to. They wont know the difference. I pick up my heart, lock it up in a safe within me and throw away the key. No one will ever dare to hurt me so bad again. No one will have access to it. I'll throw the safe away so deep within me, that even I would forget where I kept it.

I get up on my weak legs and walk away. My hair loose in the wind. But this time, no one's there to run their fingers through it, nor will there ever be.

Dost

Juz tere koii bhi din raat na jaane mere
Tu kahaan hai magar ai dost puraane mere

Auto Biographies

Its really amazing sometimes when u look back at a chunk of your life and actually make some meaning or a purpose out of it.

Perhaps this is a reason why people write auto-biographies, that they want other people to understand the situations they went through and understand why they made the decisions they made in their life.

I feel like writing a biography too right now. But this time it is so that I, myself, understand why I made the decisions I made. I am lost.

Alone & Lonely

Alone - is when u are physically alone. There is no one around u, u're walking alone on a path.

Lonely - is when u might or might not have people around u but u're alone from the heart. U're lonely despite people being around u.

I'm lonely right now - and right now i'm in a situation where I feel like I'm going to be lonely for a very long time.

Struggle

I'm always unsettled about what I should strive for.

I've been with people who totally strive for inner happiness... They want to be internally happy which in turn would bring in a meaning to their life and hence they will be able to be more productive in life. I understand that.

Then, on the other hand, I'm attracted towards people who are suffering from inside. They are not happy, infact struggling, but they aim more towards making other people's life easier. What a noble work.

These two things are very opposite from one another.
My perplexity is that I am standing at a point in my life where I can actually choose one of the two and then work towards it. I seem to be switching back and forth from one to the other. I want to stick with one and continue.

Then the thought occured to me: maybe this is how it is supposed to be. You are supposed to work on both, but one at a time. You cant choose between then two. This path is harder than the two paths taken alone, but it makes more sense.

So basicallly I was confused between these two quotations of people:
1. "The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself." ANAIS NIN
2. Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." ALBERT EINSTEIN

Rant

I'm not really in the habit of complaining about my life with anyone. My job is to listen to other people about their problems in life and try to find a way for them to deal with them or change them. Since I am in the helping profession, I realize that it is a great stressor. It never stops.

The profession comes into my daily life as well. My friends and family all come to me either to rant or complain or ask for advice. My job is to listen to them, understand them, acknowledge their pain and try to help them find a way to deal with it. When I go to bed, it is only me I think about.

Today I feel like ranting but I'm not in the habit of doing that infront of anyone. So I just decided to do it here. I feel like a failure. Big huge failure. Maybe this is depression or the stress of a helper.

I feel like my brother took away my opportunity of making a choice in life as to what I wanted to do.
I feel like I did far too many sacrifices for my family and nothing got acknowledged.
I feel like I have the responsibilty to live up to the expectations of my family since none of my other siblings did.
I feel that to run away from all the pain inside me I've distracted myself so much that now that I realize what I really want to do, its too late for that.
I feel like my friends are not my friends but my patients who I should always be there for but shouldnt expect the same out of them or I will get dissapointed.
I feel like I have done nothing to make my parents proud of.

I've learnt that one member of the family is enough to poison the whole bunch.
I've learnt that ego can hurt a emotionally and physically.

I'm not suicidal. I dont want to die. I love life. I just wished it was different.

Sea

There is some comfort in the emptiness of the sea: no past, no future.